What does it take to change relationship patterns |57

Liz Cunningham and Candice Dick unpack what it takes to change relationships. This is part 1 of 4 on relationships.  The first step to make any change is to move from denial to awareness

Engaging with the change model
(refer to episode #57 or download the change model here)

The behavioural stages relating to the change model are denial, resistance, exploration and commitment.  (Awareness, attention, intention and action).

The change model can be seen as a compass rather than a GPS. It helps us identify where we’re at so we can assess the situation and plan an expansive route forward, rather than simply follow generic instructions which may not allow space for change.

Creating awareness around our relationships helps us to dive deeper into the seat of self assurance, self trust and intuition so that we can find greater coherence between our thoughts and feelings (head and heart).


Identifying denial and shifting to choice

When we find ourselves in a state of denial we should question our resistance around the situation; the behavioural patterns and consequences of the systemic behaviour we default towards in the situation. If you aren’t happy with the consequence, what choice can you make to take action to change the situation? When we don’t employ choice we remain in a victim state/mentality and we don’t allow ourselves to take control of our own happiness.

There are three choices we can make:

  1. Do nothing differently. Zip my lip and stop complaining because I choose to remain a victim to the situation and go with the flow even when we don’t like the consequences.
  2. Change the situation (by leaving the relationship or disengaging from the situation). Important to remember that wherever we go we take ourselves with.
  3. Change one’s own input or behavioural patterns. What becomes possible if we change our input?


Awareness needed to change relationships

Einstein’s definition of insanity is to do the same thing and hope for a different outcome. It’s scientifically impossible to apply different energy to a situation and not see a change in the results.

By identifying how certain situations make us feel and act, we can shift out of denial (stubborn behaviour) and acknowledge whether or not we need to change the energy around the situation. This awareness allows us to let go of labels, blame and points of view and move into a question where there is room for curiosity and a viewing point.

Other tools that can help identify feelings around our behavioural patterns (in order to step outside of the drama and survival mind state that these patterns perpetuate) are the Six Seconds think/feel/do cards and Byron Katie’s emotions list. When we try one new thing outside of a pattern it creates a different point of departure for the next idea – it inspires creative thinking.


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