EQ Blog

Relationships 4 | Remaining open with questions | 060

By: Candice Dick
6th July 2019

In this episode, Candice Dick talks about being open and using questions to explore our relationships.

02:50     Living in the Question

“Part of living with emotional intelligence is, hopefully, we are able to get to that place of being open and willing to engage quicker and quicker and recognize when we are not.”

“Exploration itself requires, no matter how small, a little opening, a little bit of being willing to see things differently.”

Two questions that I find are door openers; that allow our head and our heart to start to explore something different:

  • What else is possible?
  • How could it get better than this?

“You don’t always have to have the answer when asking these questions. Sometimes it’s actually just standing in the question that allows answers to arise.” 

06:00     Do You Feel Safe?

“Safety is key if we are going to access the creative, relating, connecting, problem-solving part of our brain.”

“Key part of exploration is, do we both feel safe? Do the people in the conversation feel safe?”

“Safety is important for our brain and our heart to even begin to explore well.”

Often when someone is sitting in the place of denial, they may even say, “Yes, of course I feel safe.”

  • Do you have any ideas or thoughts that you would like to put on the table?
  • Do you notice you have any resistance to exploring these ideas or this relationship?
  • I’d like to hear what your hesitations are before we go forward?

“When we speak the resistance, when we speak our frustrations, when we speak what’s holding us back, once they’re out there, then we start to move towards safety.”

 

It Takes One for Things to Change

“Who’s responsible for changing a relationship? It’s the person who recognizes that how it is isn’t working for them.”

Don’t Seek Agreement or Being Right When Exploring

“That means being able to listen and go – “I hear you,” “Thank you for your point of view,” “Is there anything you want to add?” “Can you clarify that for me?” “Can you explain that further?”

12:15     Do You Feel Seen?

“What does it take, if we’re going to explore, for us to see our own perspective, to really trust what we bring to the table and, then, allow other people the freedom to bring where they’re at?”

“Seeing ourselves honestly requires a level of trust and a level of truth. Can we be present to where we are? Can we own where we are?”

“A big one for me is to notice that we actually are often hurt or sad or disappointed rather than angry, which is the default and easy place to go to hide how much we’re actually in pain.”

13:48     What We Need to See in Ourselves to Allow Us to be Present and Engage in a Non-reactive Way?
  • Note Your Emotions
  • What are the stories/beliefs I have around this situation/relationship?
  • I find the body a very powerful place to go and ask some questions:
    • Where do you notice your tension?
    • Where are you holding it?
    • Do you notice any patterning that you hold on to?

Explore the patterns and then consider,

  • How would I like my body to feel when I’m relating to this person?
 
16:20     Validate Your Own Perspective

“It’s important in the context to ask the questions:

  • What have I been thinking?
  • What am I feeling?

And then, say that it’s okay that you feel hurt, vulnerable, disappointed, exasperated.”

 

18:26     Actionable Steps

Once we emotionally and mentally feel safe, seen, and we have calmed ourselves by being validated in emotions, then, we can go to the actionable steps of supporting –

  • What does it look like if this were different?
  • What would it take for this to work for me?
  • What are the actions I want to see?
  • What are the actions I can contribute?

Final question, where in the past – one relationship or one place – has worked for you? How did you relate there that worked?

 

Links

 

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