EQ Blog

Relationships 2 | Do you like who you are in your relationships? | 058

By: Candice Dick
8th June 2019

Do you like who you are in your relationships?

In this part 2 of 4 in the “Exploring Relationships” series, Candice and Liz talk about paying attention to who we are within the context of our relationships with others.

01:30    Exploring Our Relationship with Ourselves
Finding the truth of who you are vs. the truth of who you have been taught to be.

“Our relationship with ourselves is so defined by our thoughts, and our thinking, and our story.”

In exploring our relationship with ourselves and our priorities, beliefs and assumptions, we have to start by looking at “How do we become aware of that story?”

“The truth of who we are is like a candle. And the stories about who we are is like a lamp shade. And a lot of mud gets on it. Layers and layers build up and we think that’s who we are. Yet, the very truth of who we are remains the same. Our job is to differentiate between these two and find the truth and live from that place.”

 

04:30     Knowing What to Change – Discomfort is a Signal

“Discomfort is, in fact, an incredibly powerful teacher. Our relationship with our own discomfort is a beautiful place to start paying attention.”

“Whatever area of your life –parenting, marriage, work, traffic – that you find brings up reactivity can become a powerful tool for change.  These “Red Flag” help show us where we need to go.

“Most of us aren’t particularly happy in our comfort zone. But we feel we have some control and we can manage that. But, in fact, the reality is we have no control. We only have self-control.”

“When we are holding on and trying to control things, we’re actually resisting what is.”

 

10:10     What is Causing the Discomfort?

“What is causing us to resist and dig in our heels or making us frustrated, angry, immovable and distrustful, inhibiting us from moving into a state of flow?” Our Point of View or Perspective.

The Power of Reframing Our Perspective

“Our Point of View is so real to us about any situation that it is our truth in that moment.”

“When you shift some dynamic in a relationship with someone, it actually changes all your relationships. The way you interact is transformed.”

“It (successfully reframing our perspective) also builds in oneself the trust that this is okay.” “It starts to build that self-worth, that courage.”

13:37    Tools forOvercoming the Pattern of Reactivity –  Golden Silence

“When You’re in Denial, what are the tools you can reach for in yourself?”

  • Get out of your head: Try and get present in your body and get out of your head – your head is where the drama happens. Do that by breathing. It calms down that amygdala reaction.
  • “I don’t just say the first thing that comes into my head. But to rather allow, observe and breathe so that I can get some kind of filter or consciousness space in place.”
  • Before I speak, I like to THINK.

T – Is what I’m going to say True?

H – Is it Helpful?

I – Is it Inspiring?

N – is it Necessary?

K –  Is it Kind?

This helps me to find the right place within myself – A place of positive contribution rather than a place of reaction/fear, proving that I have to be right,

 

17:47     Paying Attention to Your Intention When Communicating

“If we are paying attention and wanting to shift dynamics and change patterns, build stronger connections, it becomes very powerful for us – the one consciously making effort – to get very clear on what our goal or intention is in the relationship.”

We communicate at multiples levels –

  • the words or what we say;
  • how we say it: tone and body language that goes with it; and,
  • the why – reason for having the interaction in the first place.

“That (the intention) is communicated more powerfully than the words, tone of voice and body language.”

“Our senses are engaged when we are receiving information. We hear the words; we hear the tone of voice; and we read body language. But when it comes to intention (the why behind what we are saying), we feel it. We get a vibe about it.”

“Our intention, vibe and energy actually introduce us before we open our mouths and say anything.”

“If we are paying attention, we can then start to make a different choice. We can start to step more into the light. We can choose to pause and create the patterns of choosing kindness and connection.”

We have to be paying attention if we are to have options as opposed to being controlled by habits.

“With attention and choice, it doesn’t mean that hurt or experience never happened. It just doesn’t need to control our choice any longer.”

LINKS

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Who Do You Bring to Your Relationships?

  • Choose a relationship you want to improve. What do you want to bring to that relationship?
  • “It’s not about ‘I wanted this from the relationship’. It’s about who we are and what we have control over, which is who we bring to the relationship.”

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